What a fricken day

I did get some good news today; my test results came out spiffy and so my stomach pain is essentially aggravated digestive issues triggered by the anti-inflammatory and because of the FMS my system does not rebound like someone else's would. So since the ulcer med is helping, I will stay on it. Other than that, the pain should simmer down as long as I watch my diet. So that is good. No bleeding holes in my belly. I will get a ultrasound to make sure everything is still where it ought to be, but he said it does not sound like anything else given the type of pain and general location. I am good with that.... pain, temporary, good. And he said my thyroid count is back on track, so the new dosage should be perfect.

What ruined my day from the get-go was a meeting with the boss lady. I understand I have missed too many days. No one gets that more than me, but let me tell you they were not fricken holidays for me. So point to her. I can't argue against the facts, but I have been doing better, and considering I was on medical leave, a snap recovery would be quite surprising. I would like my doctor to cure me of migraines (and everything else for that matter), but he is all out of 'instant cure for chronic illnesses'... rather because they would be called chronic if you could fricken cure them. I had the choice of coming back full time or not at all, with everybody breathing down my neck... and while I thought coming back full time, when I only had a half-ass treatment and a new preventative was not a brilliant idea, I was in no position to argue. So she has run out of patience with my lack in exemplary attendance. But telling me this does not help either, cause I cannot order my brain to stop tormenting me. However, apparently I will have to order my body to amp up on pain tolerance, because she is giving me the first written warning, which means I can be fired any time she wishes should I slide. And while I can nod my head and say okay sounds good to me, that also does not help me when I am sick with a blaring migraine, throwing up or otherwise ill from medications or whatever. So I have to manage to get myself to work, even if it means throwing up on someones shoes or not being able to see or hear. And today, which has been a bad migraine day such as they are, I hit the curb getting to work and then lodged my car in the nearest parking spot which happened to be a mire of mud I could not then remove myself from... tip top working condition. And this all does not piss me off, it actually made me a little teary eyed, because it is like someone is demanding I stop the sun from shining... I would if I could, but the world don't work that way. So essentially she is saying I need to suffer in silence. No option of lesser hours and such. Just be there... or not.

What did piss me off, is her saying 'What have you done to help improve your condition?' or some such crap. As if I have not heard that shit a thousand times in my life time. Well, if you exercised, and eat green beans and drink eight glasses of water maybe you would not feel so bad. If you try eating only protein or no protein, or take this exact combination of vitamins. Or... or... or. What-fucking-ever. It is always the patients fault for not feeling better. They don't pro-actively do enough to cure themselves... don't try enough randomly recommended treatments, no matter how expensive, or change their life style in specific and often contradictory ways. She of course mentioned the smoking... and yeah that is stupid, but it is a nice self destructive habit that will hopefully kill me and save me the trouble... and maybe if I did not have so much stress, as in having to work 'through' enough pain to make a grown man cry like a baby, maybe I would have a slight desire to quit smoking. Then she said if I was proactive about my health and cared about my well-being I would get rid of my cats. How dare she suggest such a thing? As if, giving away my cats, when I love animals, have no children and they improve my mood vastly, would be a good thing. It would be a very bad thing. And for what? My asthma is under control, no one knows if I am allergic to cats and the last time I had out of control asthma attacks was from a god damned migraine abortive I was using to get to work in the first damned place. It was rude. And it essentially is telling me that if I do not feel better, in any regards I suppose, it is my fault in some obscure way.... when in fact it has been side-effects, some nasty ones, that have caused a great deal of my problems lately.

And she says she has received complaints from staff. That they think I am getting special consideration for having so many sick days... blah... blah. I feel so sorry for them having to work without pain like that, day in and day out. I am oozing with sympathy. So that means, litterally will have to suffer in silence. I get that people can tell when I am in pain... I have a bit of a strained expression, a tension to my smile (as in have to force a smile and it does not hold) and maybe a wee bit pale, so often some people know and ask. But I need to perk up the facade if I am going to manage to show up everyday, or take more pain medication. Cause if someone asks how I am doing, I am just goin to say 'fine', even if it is a false fine, or even a sarcastic fine. Because if they cannot understand how I feel when I call in sick, how horrible is makes me feel to have someone cover for me, the guilt, how I am taking too much triptans just to be there the days I am.. then screw it. I will pretend and maybe if I pretend enough I will fool myself. But if I have to suffer through it, I will not suffer false sympathy.... I will not be a friggen topic of conversation, while people speculate behind my back about my health... that is why I never mentioned the FMS and never will... bias to chronic pain is a bitch.

Being moody does not help either, thus the ranting... does not make me feel better today, but maybe tomorrow.

Barium test... yuck

I had the barium stomach test this morning, the day of my birthday, what timing. The appointment was quick, I will say that. Now, the last time I had this test, for entirely different reasons, simply to rule out ulcers as a cause for chest pains... it was nasty.... It was a big ol glass of a thick chaulk substance, which I needed to drink twice cause it did not coat my stomach all that well and made me feel ill to my stomach, which I had not prior to going in. This time, they upgraded a bit, the barium smoothy is thinner, less of it, and has a sort of fruity flavor... still repulsive, but better. Still made me feel ill, but then my stomach is screwed anyway, so no difference there. Besides I could not take the ulcer med in the morning... lest they would see the little undisolved pill and think I had an alien implant. But when your stomach is not doing so great, filling it full of a liquid that is as close to a solid as you can get, just aint a good idea. Makes for an uncomfortable day and more pain than usual. I am very aware that of all the gastrointenstinal tests out there, it is by far the most pleasant... and quite willing to just stop at it.

So sick

Well I am sicker than a dog still. Way, way worse in the morning and obviously have not had time for that ulcer med to kick in yet. It is going to be a rotton day tommorow, as that pain is intense... a sort of elecrical chest pain, sore stomach and a painful knot on my left side. But I have to go to work, because I did not today... I thought about sleeping off the more intense morning pain, going for my blood work and then going to work, but once I was able to sleep I slept till 1:00 and then still felt horrid and unable to even go to the lab until I could get a lift. So, I really owe my boss... as in, by monday when this ulcer med kicks in and my thyroid settles down, I will have to maintain perfect attendence... even if I have a killer migraine, I will go to the ER and then go to work. I can't stand this guilt of not being able to work, disappointed my stressed out boss and irking everyone else. I tried to pretend I was not in as much pain as I was on Wednesday, but it was bad, and when I got home I curled up on the couch and did not move for the rest of the night. Because of the abortives and the T3s I am able to go to work with a migraine, and more willing because there is the possibility I will be able to handle it during the day, and going to work makes me feel better about myself. But with this stomach pain, and other symptoms, I cannot do anything and anything I would take would make it so much worse... cause right now it is just pain, without the stomach flu hell that happens with anti-inflammatories. I so dont want to make it worse, so just want it to go away.

Doctors appointments... never simple

I went to the doc today... because Im feeling like crap and I have been procrastinating on seeing him anyway. Chronic migraines means chronic doc visits, which gets on everyones nerves. Anyway, I have been feeling rough, under the weather, in a non specific way. Extreme hot flashes, leg pain, chest pains, dry skin... so like what is up with that? Well, nothing to do with migraines, which have been behaving themselves respetably since I got rid of that status migraine. He suspects my illish feeling is because I am on too my thyroid med, as in my last lest results had my number being off. I suspect he is right. Easy to fix, he just lowered my dosage. He does not think I really even need to be on it, as I am on a very low dose now... but I don't want to mess with it, since I am highly symptomatic with that, and rather not rock the boat. But that will get rid of the leg pain, temp issues, heart fluctuations and such. However, the chest pains are a different beast alltogether... I am aware it is not heart pain, as it is not specific enough and well, if you had chest pains for hours a day from your heart, I suspect you would be deadish. I mentioned when I lay down the pain spreads to my entire left torso, very specfic to my stomach... and my stomach is sore. He thinks that suspected ulcer is in fact an ulcer and may be worse that he had thought... so back on the ulcer med, thankfully, but also have to go for a barium test, which if you have ever tasted that stuff is not fun. But it does not appear like my stomach is healing itself. So funny that it was the anti-inflammatories that caused these stomach problems to begin with. Now I cant even take OTC advil or apirin.... which work a whole lot better for moderate migraines than tyanol and such. Anyway, my stomach does hurt and I think that pain is what is radiating upward, and so that needs to be fixed. So I am never 'just sick', like some virus that will pass, it is always such and such a condition and such and such a side effect of the med they put me on for said condition.

The visual Aura

One of the most obvious symptoms of an impending migraine would be the visual aura. This was posted on the u-tube as a demonstration of what a migraine aura looks like:



Of course, the visual aura takes on infinite possibilties. And with the type shown here, it can be negative... as in more a deep blue and black, rather than white. And lets not forget the speckled dots of light that just linger, the flashing in the side vision and the raining sparkles.

Migraine season or lack of abortive?

I am back to the daily migraines... sometime during the day; morning, noon or night. And so back to the issue of using an abortive too many times.... and really how many times is too many times when you have a migraine at work? Anyway, so super light sensative and so not liking the increase in daylight... although work got these privacy screens for the computer which coincidently dull the screen, which is great.

But you take the Axert to get to work, then it runs out at the end of the work day and I can't take another cause of chest pains and such. So I work through the remainder of the day with increasing pain, pudding head and just dopy, somethines can't see well, sometimes cant hear. Making foolish mistakes, or just not remember at all. Then rushing to the pharmacy to get more, cause the triptan comes in a package of four, which so does not last long.

It is the never ending migraine

I have been fighting a migraine for days. Tried Axert, it came back. Tried T3s, just cut the edge off for an hour. Tried aspirin, as to prevent a rebound and got quite sick... so ulcer... still there. Tried nothing and sleeping, and not so effective. Yesterday was like torture. I made it to work, thinking I would be able to win the fight, but I was lost the moment I woke up. I took an Axert as soon as I got to work, but it was only fifty percent effective, cut the pain down and reduced some of the painful light sensativity, but that migraine kicked in full strength a couple hours later. I waited as long as I could, but I had to take the second abortive. It worked a little better and a little longer, but made my heart rate go weird and gave me chest pains. At that point, so glad work was finished... I do not remember what I did at work, all I remember is trying to focus on one task at a time and being so drained it was hard to keep my eyes open. When I got home I used two T3s spaced out during the night to dull the edge off, took a long nap and wondered if it was ever going to quit. Well, it did not quit. This morning I was just drained, hot, sick and in a lot of pain. So I called in sick, just unable to contemplate repeating the endless pain of Monday. And I have slept till now and this migraine is still here. Status migraine. Migraine hell.

I would love to just redirect you to the new site...

But sadly the redirect function doesn't function. I will continue to persist hitting it and see if it will eventually do something. Or s...